Don’t Pay Attention to These Twelve Rules of “Flirtexting”. Ever.

I HATE Glamour. And Cosmo. And every other lame-ass “women’s” magazine. However, in Yahoo’s understandable quest to direct people to their content, they will run a drivel-filled “headline” piece regularly. Found one I couldn’t pass up tonight:

Dating 101: The Do’s and Don’ts of Text-Message Flirting By Glamour. Texting is the new calling, which means there’s a whole new battleground for romance — and a new set of rules to play by. Start your flirty texting education here, with advice from Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz, authors of “Flirtexting: How to Text Your Way to His Heart.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVES me some texting. I definitely use my phone to text quite a lot. However…in true vapid Glamour form (Glapid? Vapour? No no, that last one doesn’t work…), they’ve managed to take something as technologically fabulous as texting and turn it into an exercise of horribly sexist banality. Please allow me to walk us through this…

#1: DO say the words text me when you give out your number to a new guy. Giving a new guy your number and telling him to call can be iffy. Start with a text.
Wow, really? See there are these things, they’re called phones…they allow you to SPEAK to one another. And there is this really cool thing that happensĀ  when someone has the number that is assigned to that phone: they can CALL IT. I think it’s relatively fair to assume that if you’re giving someone your number, they just might call you. And if that’s “iffy”, then you’re fucking retarded. You know what’s a lot more dangerous than telling someone to call you after you just gave them your number? Taking one iota of advice published in Glamour magazine. Fuck you, Glamour, for actively dumbing-down your readership.
#2: DON’T just text “Hi.” Even if the only reason you’re texting him is because you’re thinking about him, this kind of short and shy flirtexting typically leads nowhere.
Unless you don’t have anything else to say but “Hi.” Texting someone “Hi” leads to them knowing you’re saying, “Hi,” and then maybe them texting back. Kind of like a dominoes thing. *shrug* Imagine a 2 character text…go on, imagine it. Why doesn’t Glamour tell you exactly what you should say? “I want to be filled with your love and have your children.” Clearly, this is the kind of sentence that leads to the nightmare that Glamour is all about. Fuck you, Glamour, for being in bed with cell phone companies who charge per text.
#3: DO text him back within 24 hours. Anything beyond that reads “I’m just not that into you — or your texts.”
Or you dropped your phone in the toilet. Or you like playing games (like this one), and you just happen to play by a different set of rules than other women play by (which is pretty much each individual woman’s individual set of her OWN rules). Fuck you, Glamour, for inventing pointless rules that have no bearing on anything. Ever. Except a good blog.
#4: DON’T purposely send him a “mis-text.” Women tend to use this move as a way to make single men jealous. But he’ll see right through your needy outreach and move his texts on to the next.
See above game-playing Cunt’s Guidebook to Game-Playing. I think you should fully be “allowed” to send a “mis-text”. Or I would. If I knew what constituted a “mis-text”. If we’re saying don’t send something you don’t mean, then reading this little gem in a magazine isn’t going to change your manipulative passive-aggressive behavioral pattern. So rules 1-3 and 5-12, be conniving and manipulative. But for #4, you get a pass. Fuck you, Glamour, for making this shit up.
#5: DO ask him out over text. If you like him, gauge his interest by sending a light-date invite without hesitation. Try: “Don’t know about you, but I predict I’ll be starving after work Thursday. Dinner?”
What if I’m looking for a “heavy-date” invite? Have enough self-confidence to ask someone out if you like them, and be willing to accept that they may not like you. Yeah, self-confidence…novel, that. Fuck you, Glamour, for assuming I’ll be starving after work on Thursday.
#6: DON’T kid yourself. If he only texts you past 10 P.M., he’s probably looking for an encounter you’d rather avoid. The late-night flirtexter does not want to date you. Respond at your own risk.
Oh he is? And what kind of “encounter” might that be that I’d rather avoid? Is it possible that a woman might welcome a booty-text after 10:00pm (or any time)? REALLY??? Fuck. I WILL respond at my own risk. Gah. Guys that text me at 8:00am don’t want to have an “encounter”? Because I’m looking to get laid, so please let me know if I should only be answering texts after 10:00pm. Fuck you, Glamour, for being overtly sexist.
#7: DO use the phone on certain occasions. For instance, if he calls you and you like him, you absolutely must return the call. Texting back in response to his call reads uninterested.
Or in a 24-hr. meeting. Or at a 24-hr. diner that has no cell-service that you’ve been sitting at for 24 hours. WHAT if he CALLS after 10:00pm?? Number 6 isn’t helping me now!!! You MUST return the call? Really?? Is this a life-dependent situation? OMFG. Is this really a necessary point? *headdesk* If it is, then having a phone should be a licensable privilege. Fuck you, Glamour, for inspiring me to want to make having a cell phone a licensable privilege.
#8: DON’T go overboard with abbreviations and acronyms. Things like “MTFBWU” (May the force be with you) and overzealous “LOL” usage should be reserved for texts with your tween cousin or BFF, not to a PBF (potential boyfriend).
“Just tell me what you were going to say!! Was it “JK”?? Was it “LOL”???” Name that comedian… And besides, if the guy I’m hitting up is not uber-fluent (or at least fluent enough) in well-known text/chat/gamer/l33t speak and does not enjoy using this vernacular, then I don’t want to talk to him anyway. IMHO, FU, Glamour, you MF SOB for ignoring geekery and the fine geeks that partake in it. Kiss my A-S-S, you POS.
#9: DON’T send a sensual message before you are in an exclusive relationship. Doing this puts your secret fantasies at a high risk of being forwarded to all of his male coworkers.
Are you KIDDING me??? Here’s a better rule: DON’T send a sensual message to someone who is a total dickhole. Or, if you’re not sure if he’s a dickhole (first impressions are not always accurate, after all), don’t send something that you’re not prepared for the whole world to see. And more importantly, if you’re not prepared for the whole world to see that you’re a sexually-empowered being, then fuck you. “Flirtexting” my ass. Fuck you, Glamour, for imposing your sexual shame on your readers.
#10: DO learn how to send him into the friend zone. Throwing a “Buddy,” “Pal,” “Kiddo” or “Sport” somewhere in your texts usually accomplishes this. If he’s smart, he’ll take the hint. Girls interested in dating him don’t typically call him “Kiddo.”
My favorite is “Turbo”. But I digress. Lest you should think I agree with any of these points, fuck you, Glamour, for assuming that I can’t say “Kiddo” to someone I’m interested in. Then again, I’m not the “typical” “girl”.
#11: DON’T text your ex.This rule is especially important to remember when you’re feeling lonely and vulnerable.
Better rule: unless your ex was an abusive fucktard, DON’T pay attention to Rule #11. Ths rule is especially important to remember when you’re feeling secure, well-rounded and emotionally-healthy. Fuck you, Glamour, for promoting discontent in one’s life after the end of a relationship and assuming that all of us make enemies when we end relationships.
#12: DO send a thank-you text, post-date. Even if there were no sparks, it’s just proper flirtext etiquette. But if you had the best date ever (we’re talking full-on fireworks), call him the next day to say thanks. If he felt the same way, he will definitely appreciate the reassurance!
What if the guy was a total douchenozzle? What if the female paid for everything? If you had the Best. Date. Ever., I can’t help but figure that he’s not going to be needing the reassurance. Then again, maybe my version of “best date ever” isn’t the same. Fuck you, Glamour, for assuming we need to be told when and how to show appreciation.
“Flirtexter” or any of its derivatives are not words.
Fuck, you, Glamour. Fuck you.

One Response to “Don’t Pay Attention to These Twelve Rules of “Flirtexting”. Ever.”

  1. sam Says:

    i fucking adore you.

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