Don’t Pay Attention to These Twelve Rules of “Flirtexting”. Ever.

I HATE Glamour. And Cosmo. And every other lame-ass “women’s” magazine. However, in Yahoo’s understandable quest to direct people to their content, they will run a drivel-filled “headline” piece regularly. Found one I couldn’t pass up tonight:

Dating 101: The Do’s and Don’ts of Text-Message Flirting By Glamour. Texting is the new calling, which means there’s a whole new battleground for romance — and a new set of rules to play by. Start your flirty texting education here, with advice from Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz, authors of “Flirtexting: How to Text Your Way to His Heart.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I LOVES me some texting. I definitely use my phone to text quite a lot. However…in true vapid Glamour form (Glapid? Vapour? No no, that last one doesn’t work…), they’ve managed to take something as technologically fabulous as texting and turn it into an exercise of horribly sexist banality. Please allow me to walk us through this…

#1: DO say the words text me when you give out your number to a new guy. Giving a new guy your number and telling him to call can be iffy. Start with a text.
Wow, really? See there are these things, they’re called phones…they allow you to SPEAK to one another. And there is this really cool thing that happensĀ  when someone has the number that is assigned to that phone: they can CALL IT. I think it’s relatively fair to assume that if you’re giving someone your number, they just might call you. And if that’s “iffy”, then you’re fucking retarded. You know what’s a lot more dangerous than telling someone to call you after you just gave them your number? Taking one iota of advice published in Glamour magazine. Fuck you, Glamour, for actively dumbing-down your readership.
#2: DON’T just text “Hi.” Even if the only reason you’re texting him is because you’re thinking about him, this kind of short and shy flirtexting typically leads nowhere.
Unless you don’t have anything else to say but “Hi.” Texting someone “Hi” leads to them knowing you’re saying, “Hi,” and then maybe them texting back. Kind of like a dominoes thing. *shrug* Imagine a 2 character text…go on, imagine it. Why doesn’t Glamour tell you exactly what you should say? “I want to be filled with your love and have your children.” Clearly, this is the kind of sentence that leads to the nightmare that Glamour is all about. Fuck you, Glamour, for being in bed with cell phone companies who charge per text.
#3: DO text him back within 24 hours. Anything beyond that reads “I’m just not that into you — or your texts.”
Or you dropped your phone in the toilet. Or you like playing games (like this one), and you just happen to play by a different set of rules than other women play by (which is pretty much each individual woman’s individual set of her OWN rules). Fuck you, Glamour, for inventing pointless rules that have no bearing on anything. Ever. Except a good blog.
#4: DON’T purposely send him a “mis-text.” Women tend to use this move as a way to make single men jealous. But he’ll see right through your needy outreach and move his texts on to the next.
See above game-playing Cunt’s Guidebook to Game-Playing. I think you should fully be “allowed” to send a “mis-text”. Or I would. If I knew what constituted a “mis-text”. If we’re saying don’t send something you don’t mean, then reading this little gem in a magazine isn’t going to change your manipulative passive-aggressive behavioral pattern. So rules 1-3 and 5-12, be conniving and manipulative. But for #4, you get a pass. Fuck you, Glamour, for making this shit up.
#5: DO ask him out over text. If you like him, gauge his interest by sending a light-date invite without hesitation. Try: “Don’t know about you, but I predict I’ll be starving after work Thursday. Dinner?”
What if I’m looking for a “heavy-date” invite? Have enough self-confidence to ask someone out if you like them, and be willing to accept that they may not like you. Yeah, self-confidence…novel, that. Fuck you, Glamour, for assuming I’ll be starving after work on Thursday.

The results, do indeed, kick ass.

Best. Scrabble. Ad. Ever.

Loves me some Scrabble. Although I think I was entirely too sober to watch this commercial. Forget the happy family sitting around the table on Game Night. I’m pretty sure this commerical would lead you to believe you need to be tripping in some capacity to play the game and have that much fun. And maybe…you do.

Crock tease.

That is all.